I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
