I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
