is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
