just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
