No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
