hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
