I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
