The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
