so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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