I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
