So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
