Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
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