I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
