i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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