So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
