"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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