i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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