I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
