i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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