I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
