i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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