I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
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