Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Sorry my hands just texted you
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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