Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Randomize
