I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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