I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Your dad touched me again.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
