haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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