My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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