woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
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