He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
