The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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