you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
