do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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