You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
