i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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