evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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