im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Ketchup is God's man juice
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
