so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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