I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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