A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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