How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
My cat gives me a boner
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
