Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
