my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
