I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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