he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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