Only a mothe r could love this liver
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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