I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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