literally had 100 drinks last night.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
