god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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