why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
